(Black screen. Maxamir Films logo fades in.) Trooper Randall: Duh Dun...Duh Dun Duh Dun...Duh Dun... (Close up of jar of salsa, Trooper Randall and Trooper Dante sitting on cooler) Trooper Randall: Salsashark .... We're gonna need a bigger boat. (Shots, in quick succession, of trooper pulling trash can down hallway, lights coming on, trooper cutting newspaper binding, putting papers in rack; trooper making coffee, trooper behind counter; looks both ways and plops his head down.) Narrator (Darth Vader voice): Throughout the Deathstar they have been a part of our Imperial Life...Stormtroopers, who have made it their mission to serve their fellow beings. They've worked hard enough. Isn't it time they had their own movie? ("Trooper Clerks" logo pops onto black screen.) Narrator: TROOPER CLERKS (Shots of Trooper Dante and Trooper Randall behind counter, Deathstar Gunner with eggs, back to two troopers, GNK droid with milk then once more to the troopers) Trooper Randall: This job would be great if it wasn't for the customers. Trooper Dante: I don't bother them and they don't bother me. Trooper Randall: I can do without the people in the video store. (Imperial officer standing in front of video shelf) Imperial Officer 1: Do you have that movie with that guy from that movie that came out last year? (Troops behind counter, Trooper Dante moving arms while talking) Trooper Dante: You should hear the barrage of stupid questions I get. (Biker Scout holding coffee cup) Biker Scout: What do you mean there's no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot? (Troopers behind counter) Trooper Randall: You'd feel a hell of a lot better if you'd rip into the occasional customer. (Shot of Greedo being blasted immediately after dialogue.) (Quick shot of Randall behind counter of video store with feet propped up holding remote control.) Trooper Dante: (speaking off camera) You're a clerk- (Shot of Trooper Randall "wrangling.") Trooper Dante: (speaking off camera) You can't just do anything you want while you're working. (HEAVY MUSIC STARTS) (Shot of sign that reads "Temporarily Closed - Open After First Period.") (Shot of helmeted guard on monitor screen) Helmeted Guard: Hey! You guys open?!? (two troopers on monitor screen) Two Troopers (simultaneously): NO! (Several shots of troopers playing Mousebot hockey; shot of customers banging on monitor screen; shot of female Rebel Scout in store walking toward camera in handcuffs; close up of Pringles can stuck on hand; trooper removing Pringles can from Imperial Officer's hand) (Music Stops. Shot of female Imperial Officer standing between Trooper Randall and Trooper Dante) Female Imperial Officer: What kind of convenience store do you run here? (Milder music starts. Shot of Trooper Randall and Trooper Dante running down hallway; shot of Trooper Jay dancing and Royal Guard Silent Bob standing next to him) Narrator: Maxamir Films Presents... (Shot of C3P0 and Trooper Dante lying on floor behind counter.) C3P0: You think anyone can see us down here? Trooper Dante: Why? You want to have sex or something? C3P0: Can We? (Shot of black screen; Trooper Clerks logo pops up.) Narrator: TROOOPER CLERKS! Just because they serve you, doesn't mean they like you. (Shot of Troopers Dante and Randall behind counter.) Trooper Dante: You hate people! Trooper Randall: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic? (Black screen with words: "Featuring music from-" Names of bands pop up as narrator says them.) Narrator: Featuring music from... John Williams The Max Rebo Band The Cantina Band The Ewok Quartet and Alice In Chains (Shot of "non-winner' Cannes Film Festival logo; credit screen; and then "Open for business a long time ago in a galaxy far far away" screen) (Black screen; music ends.)